sorry for being dead on here
i've kinda shifted all my focus to tumblr
which has left me with dead inside
every so often i think about the past, the friends i used to have, and how some people really wanted to see me gone that badly to the point where they had to take it a step too far
sure we're on good terms now, and we agreed to stay out of each other's lives, but that doesn't undo the damage, now does it? only after they pushed me over the edge, and really messed me up like real badly, do they feel bad for what they did? although i guess it's better than not feeling bad at all.....sorry if i'm vagueing, it just still kinda gets to me every once in a while
that's why you should never make a big deal out of something you don't like, kids. think about how the victim might feel first, because they're people too.
although i guess it was also my own fault too. i made some mistakes (a lot of them dated back to the very beginning, like 4 years ago, back when i was still a stupid kid who didn't know any better. but they jus wouldn't let it go), and a lot of what happened really could've been avoided if i had just sucked it up and faced the conflict head-on. but i didn't. y'know why? because i didn't know how to handle it. every other conflict i faced, i just ran away from, denied it, pretend it wasn't happening. everything was fine. but it wasn't. it never was. and look where that got me
and y'know it doesn't really help that even now, there's still some suffering going on in my life between the situation with my girlfriend (did i mention i have a girlfriend? because i do and her parents are abusive assholes who want to "teach her the right ways" and that "time apart from my filthy influence will do her good" but i don't want to lose her. i had to seek reassurance from a magic 8-ball that we would be ok and we end up together because i'm not ready to have my heart broken again. this is like my first real relationship where nothing went wrong up until this point and i don't want to give all that up. by now this would probably be the point where i should start considering other options but i don't want to. i still want to stay loyal to her. i may not be able to reach her but i know she needs me now more than ever) and my issues with playing super smash bros. 4 with my real-life friends during lunch.
essentially, i get salty because sometimes i fuck up really badly and get myself killed or i get brutally #rekt
and i keep on swearing and self-loathing and lately i have also been getting a bit too loud. and potentially causing a scene. which is very bad and i keep on feeling like it's not as fun for my friends to play with me when i have minor competitive issues along with many other issues and they'd probably prefer if i didn't play with them. they said they don't mind and it's totally fine but i know it's not fine. it really kinda isn't
soooooo yeah. long story short: i'm kinda dead inside because the past keeps on fucking me up and now the present has teamed up with it. also i have a girlfriend. and i might end up losing her because of bad parents. i miss her so much and i don't want to break up with her. she means a lot to me and i know i mean a lot to her
wow that was very long and depressing. sorry you all had to deal with my problems but hey it's better than having this account die even though i have no real use for it anymore haha
anyway to make up for all that here are some happy dummy emotes i found
look how happy they all are. someday i will join them in their happiness